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emptymanuscriptHis twin brother once told Veloldion that insanity was doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results. Sometimes, like this, when he was hiding under some human child’s bed with an iron cross wrapped to safety with rubber bands in one hand and an antique lady’s garter pistol in the other, he thought his brother might have a point. To be fair to himself, Veloldion did try to improvise and change for every one of his cons. To be even fairer he couldn’t exactly change. He had been born a double-crossing son of a bitch. It was in his nature. Like a scorpion. Scorpions had to sting. Veloldion had to live.
And really, people who thought otherwise just had themselves to blame. It wasn’t like it was personal. He actually liked Shrimscraw, he was pretty decent as troll-giant half-breed tough guys went. Deep believer in the rule of puff, puff, pass so he shared well and had a good loopy sense of humor.
The door to the kid’s bedroom crashed open. No artistry. The kid on the bed overhead started shrieking which meant the human parents would be here any second and nice predictable outcomes would be out the window. Veloldion supposed that he could reach in his back jeans pocket and toss the pendant to Shrimscraw but he couldn’t see that working out for the best for anybody.
“Veloldion!” Shrimscraw bellowed.
What happened to code names? What happened to being Mr. Pink?
“Veloldion! You double crossing, back stabbing, son of a bitch, I know you’re in here. Come on out so I can club you, propper.”
Veloldion shook his head under the bed. Well, Shrimscraw was a troll-giant half-breed not a goblin-giant half-breed, you couldn’t expect too many smarts. But even so, come out to be hit was not a good sales pitch.
A male voice screamed in that in-between timbre of trying to sound tough while being absolutely terrified. “You get the hell out of my house! We called the cops! I have a gun! You get the hell out!”
Veloldion winced. It was never a good idea to show weakness in front of a troll-giant. Even worse to be afraid and to hide it. Shrimscraw in particular seemed to need to chase down false bravado like a dog after a bone.
“Not going to kill you, human, I just want Veloldion.”
That was surprisingly reasonable. Maybe Veloldion was all wrong about troll-giants.”
“But you run away now or I chew your legs off and vomit them on your child.”
Nope. He had definitely been right about troll-giants.
“Maybe I chew your legs off anyway. Veloldion made me run and now I am hungry.”
Shrimscraw stomped once backward into the hall and there was a deafening blat of shotgun fire. The doorway went from dim light to bright as Shrimscraw flew backward with as close to a shriek as a twelve hundred pound, nine foot person with a jaw made for chewing bones like bubble-gum could make.
Veloldion decided that this was actually a pretty good time to say his goodbyes and make a graceful exit. So he shoved himself back to pop out of the far side of the bed.
The little boy in the space ship pajamas to go with his star-field sheets returned to shrieking from his terrified sobbing. His eyes that wide pool of innocent terror that Veloldion just could not stand.
“Shh. Shh. Look, it’s ok. I’m cool. I’m not like him. I got the pointy ears, right? Like Legolas or Tinkerbell. I’m one of the good guys.” Veloldion gave the kid his best, ‘nice shoes, wanna fuck?’ look that got so many women to smile so big at him.
The kid was definitely not impressed. And outside he could Shrimscraw rocking back and forth like a turtle or a beetle trying to get off his back and onto his feet.
“Look, ok, I’m here to help kid. Take this.” Veloldion shoved the iron cross at the child. “Take it and it will keep you safe. When that big guy comes back in, you just hold this at him and he won’t dare touch you because it will burn him, right? Hey. See.”
The kid, finally took the iron cross, looking at it stupidly. Humans. “Yeah, fairies don’t like iron. So you just touch it to his skin and he’ll run away screaming. You’re totally safe now.”
“Like this?” The kid asked and he touched the tip of one spar to Veloldion’s hand.
Veloldion screamed like a Bean-Sidhe, the glass of the child’s bedroom window shattering, as the iron sparked off the magic in his skin and burned like a run-away chain reaction. He leapt back so his head banged against the wall hard enough so that he saw far more stars than were on the kid’s bedspread. He shoved the burning skin into his mouth, where it burned like trying to dry chew a ghost-pepper but at least the magic of his breath stopped his skin from dissolving any more.
Screaming into his own flesh from the heat he turned and leapt out of the window just as another shotgun blast tried to keep Shrimscraw down. He hit the ground a story below hard and rolled across the grass.
A sudden bristle of hard bangs like a trio of car crashes came from the house and Shrimscraw leapt from a new made hole in the wall to land on his feet, sinking hard into the ground before squelching out. He tugged on his tie and straightened it, making himself look as presentable as possible covered in toilet water and plaster. “Hello, Veloldion.”
Veloldion held up his pathetically small garter gun and took his burned hand out of his mouth. “Hey. Shrimscraw. Buddy. Pal. I think we might have a misunderstanding.”
“You think you’re clever, Veloldion. You think everyone loves a pretty blond elf. But business is business. You take what is ours and I will have to eat your head.”
“Oh! Is that what this is about?” Veloldion laughed like it was all a great relief. “Business? No, I’d never double cross a business partner. Partner. I’ve got the pendant right here.” Veloldion pulled the pendant out of his back jeans pocket, holding it out so it caught on the starlight and spun, flashing as golden bright as if it were in sunlight, the crystals sparkling as if another whole universe twinkled hidden in its depths. “You can even carry it.” He tossed the pendant to Shrimscraw. “What a relief.”
Shrimscraw caught the pendant in his beefy, made for powdering rocks, hand. He opened his fist and looked suspiciously between the pendant and Veloldion. “You think I am stupid. This is a fake?”
“A fake? No.” Veloldion whistled the intonation so the pendant pulsed with weak light. Well, he was just an elf, not a Sidhe after all. “Real as iron.”
“Then… why… I don’t understand. Why did you run?”
“Oh, it’s not important. Let’s just get back to Mister-“
Shrimscraw bellowed. “You didn’t!”
“Didn’t?” Veloldion asked in confusion. Then with dread: “No. No. I never cheat on a partner. Partner. I wouldn’t do that to you. It was just a drink with Pollipash.”
“My Wife!!”
Veloldion fired his one shot and tore off into the night, the thunder of Shrimscraw giving chase behind him. For some reason the time that his twin brother had told him that insanity was doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results popped into his head. But, to be fair, how often did one even get the chance to sleep with a troll-giant half breed? What had he been supposed to do, say no? That wasn’t living. Nope, fish gotta swim, Veloldion had to live.
And really, people who thought otherwise just had themselves to blame. It wasn’t like it was personal. He actually liked Shrimscraw, he was pretty decent as troll-giant half-breed tough guys went. Deep believer in the rule of puff, puff, pass so he shared well and had a good loopy sense of humor.
The door to the kid’s bedroom crashed open. No artistry. The kid on the bed overhead started shrieking which meant the human parents would be here any second and nice predictable outcomes would be out the window. Veloldion supposed that he could reach in his back jeans pocket and toss the pendant to Shrimscraw but he couldn’t see that working out for the best for anybody.
“Veloldion!” Shrimscraw bellowed.
What happened to code names? What happened to being Mr. Pink?
“Veloldion! You double crossing, back stabbing, son of a bitch, I know you’re in here. Come on out so I can club you, propper.”
Veloldion shook his head under the bed. Well, Shrimscraw was a troll-giant half-breed not a goblin-giant half-breed, you couldn’t expect too many smarts. But even so, come out to be hit was not a good sales pitch.
A male voice screamed in that in-between timbre of trying to sound tough while being absolutely terrified. “You get the hell out of my house! We called the cops! I have a gun! You get the hell out!”
Veloldion winced. It was never a good idea to show weakness in front of a troll-giant. Even worse to be afraid and to hide it. Shrimscraw in particular seemed to need to chase down false bravado like a dog after a bone.
“Not going to kill you, human, I just want Veloldion.”
That was surprisingly reasonable. Maybe Veloldion was all wrong about troll-giants.”
“But you run away now or I chew your legs off and vomit them on your child.”
Nope. He had definitely been right about troll-giants.
“Maybe I chew your legs off anyway. Veloldion made me run and now I am hungry.”
Shrimscraw stomped once backward into the hall and there was a deafening blat of shotgun fire. The doorway went from dim light to bright as Shrimscraw flew backward with as close to a shriek as a twelve hundred pound, nine foot person with a jaw made for chewing bones like bubble-gum could make.
Veloldion decided that this was actually a pretty good time to say his goodbyes and make a graceful exit. So he shoved himself back to pop out of the far side of the bed.
The little boy in the space ship pajamas to go with his star-field sheets returned to shrieking from his terrified sobbing. His eyes that wide pool of innocent terror that Veloldion just could not stand.
“Shh. Shh. Look, it’s ok. I’m cool. I’m not like him. I got the pointy ears, right? Like Legolas or Tinkerbell. I’m one of the good guys.” Veloldion gave the kid his best, ‘nice shoes, wanna fuck?’ look that got so many women to smile so big at him.
The kid was definitely not impressed. And outside he could Shrimscraw rocking back and forth like a turtle or a beetle trying to get off his back and onto his feet.
“Look, ok, I’m here to help kid. Take this.” Veloldion shoved the iron cross at the child. “Take it and it will keep you safe. When that big guy comes back in, you just hold this at him and he won’t dare touch you because it will burn him, right? Hey. See.”
The kid, finally took the iron cross, looking at it stupidly. Humans. “Yeah, fairies don’t like iron. So you just touch it to his skin and he’ll run away screaming. You’re totally safe now.”
“Like this?” The kid asked and he touched the tip of one spar to Veloldion’s hand.
Veloldion screamed like a Bean-Sidhe, the glass of the child’s bedroom window shattering, as the iron sparked off the magic in his skin and burned like a run-away chain reaction. He leapt back so his head banged against the wall hard enough so that he saw far more stars than were on the kid’s bedspread. He shoved the burning skin into his mouth, where it burned like trying to dry chew a ghost-pepper but at least the magic of his breath stopped his skin from dissolving any more.
Screaming into his own flesh from the heat he turned and leapt out of the window just as another shotgun blast tried to keep Shrimscraw down. He hit the ground a story below hard and rolled across the grass.
A sudden bristle of hard bangs like a trio of car crashes came from the house and Shrimscraw leapt from a new made hole in the wall to land on his feet, sinking hard into the ground before squelching out. He tugged on his tie and straightened it, making himself look as presentable as possible covered in toilet water and plaster. “Hello, Veloldion.”
Veloldion held up his pathetically small garter gun and took his burned hand out of his mouth. “Hey. Shrimscraw. Buddy. Pal. I think we might have a misunderstanding.”
“You think you’re clever, Veloldion. You think everyone loves a pretty blond elf. But business is business. You take what is ours and I will have to eat your head.”
“Oh! Is that what this is about?” Veloldion laughed like it was all a great relief. “Business? No, I’d never double cross a business partner. Partner. I’ve got the pendant right here.” Veloldion pulled the pendant out of his back jeans pocket, holding it out so it caught on the starlight and spun, flashing as golden bright as if it were in sunlight, the crystals sparkling as if another whole universe twinkled hidden in its depths. “You can even carry it.” He tossed the pendant to Shrimscraw. “What a relief.”
Shrimscraw caught the pendant in his beefy, made for powdering rocks, hand. He opened his fist and looked suspiciously between the pendant and Veloldion. “You think I am stupid. This is a fake?”
“A fake? No.” Veloldion whistled the intonation so the pendant pulsed with weak light. Well, he was just an elf, not a Sidhe after all. “Real as iron.”
“Then… why… I don’t understand. Why did you run?”
“Oh, it’s not important. Let’s just get back to Mister-“
Shrimscraw bellowed. “You didn’t!”
“Didn’t?” Veloldion asked in confusion. Then with dread: “No. No. I never cheat on a partner. Partner. I wouldn’t do that to you. It was just a drink with Pollipash.”
“My Wife!!”
Veloldion fired his one shot and tore off into the night, the thunder of Shrimscraw giving chase behind him. For some reason the time that his twin brother had told him that insanity was doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results popped into his head. But, to be fair, how often did one even get the chance to sleep with a troll-giant half breed? What had he been supposed to do, say no? That wasn’t living. Nope, fish gotta swim, Veloldion had to live.
